“You have to have find ways to express all that is going on within you. It is essential that you express and let go of all the emotions that come up during this difficult time. This can also be one of the hardest things to do.”
Laura Lane from ‘Two Mothers One Prayer’
This week and next I thought I would share an excerpt from my book “Two Mothers One Prayer”. The five tips that I share in the book are the importance of Reaching Out, Connecting, Reflecting, Expressing and Loving through difficult times. I hope you will find a little nugget of truth or an idea that can help you in your life as you read this excerpt from chapter 10 Express.
“Celeste had started her first round of chemo and she had thrown up countless times. Each time she threw up, I held the little bucket for her, wiped her face, handed her a cup of water, put that bucket aside, and reached for a new one. We washed, rinsed, and repeated all day.
The smell in her room was less than pleasant. This particular day, I hadn’t eaten much at all. I was now feeling weak and nauseated from the stress and the smell. I felt so bad. I felt terrible for Celeste, yet I didn’t know how I was going to handle this for four to six months.
When the nurses came in to tend to Celeste, I slipped out of the room and walked down to the nurse’s station. I pulled Linh, our favorite nurse, aside and told her how I was feeling. I needed to know it was normal.
Linh hugged me and assured me it was OK to feel that way. With tears in my eyes, I thanked her. She encouraged me to take a little break and have some dinner.
I just needed someone to talk to, reassure me, and help me build my strength back up to keep going. This is such an important step in coping. You cannot do it alone and you cannot keep it all bottled up inside. Reach out. Connect. Reflect. Express.
You have to have find ways to express all that is going on within you.
It is essential that you express and let go of all the emotions that come up during this difficult time. This can also be one of the hardest things to do.
Expressing requires allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It requires sharing what is in our hearts and minds, and that takes courage. Brené Brown, in The Gifts of Imperfection, talks a great deal about courage. She explains: “The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’ . . . that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage.”
It has taken courage to write this book and share our experiences with everyone, but even harder for me was expressing in my journal all the emotions I was feeling at the time. Some days I could do it and some days (for many months), I couldn’t.
I had to find other ways to express how I was feeling. Some days I prayed my heart out and others I cried my eyes out. Other days I found someone to talk to, and many times I couldn’t wait to talk to Laurie on the phone because I knew she understood.
No matter which way I expressed my feelings, frustrations, and fears, it always felt better afterward. I also learned it’s important to find the right person for the job.
Barry Goldman explains in an LA Times article how to best know whom to share your frustrations with when dealing with delicate situations. He calls it the “‘Ring Theory of Kvetching.”
Kvetching means to complain (I had to look it up!). He explains that the “first rule is comfort in, dump out.” When his wife, Susan, developed breast cancer, she developed a theory on who was allowed to complain to whom. It works like this:
“Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma . . . Repeat the process as many times as you need to.
“In each larger ring, put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done, you have a Kvetching Order.
“Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, ‘Life is unfair’ and ‘Why me?’ That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.
“Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.
“When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it.
“Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘This must really be hard for you’ or ‘Can I bring you a pot roast?’
“Don’t say, ‘You should hear what happened to me’ or ‘Here’s what I would do if I were you.’ And don’t say, ‘This is really bringing me down.’
“If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.
“Comfort IN, dump OUT.”
I wish I had read this when we first started out, but this “ring theory” has been invaluable since. I never complained to Celeste but venting to my husband was totally fair game. Most people get this intrinsically, but you may meet or know a few people who could use this reminder.
So go ahead and find someone you trust who is a step or two away from the centre of the action. (Obviously today your child is in the centre ring and you are in one of the closest rings). Find a person who is out and complain away and do a bit of emotional dumping. You’ll need that release; it’s a stressful time. To release stress, express.”
Who can you turn to as a listening ear to help you as you go through difficult times? What other ways have you found to express your emotions and let go of your stress?
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage”
Brene Brown